The Christmas season is fast approaching, which for many it is a time of joy and celebration... As well as happiness. However for me, it brings on feelings of depression, angst, anxiety and high irritability.
Let us be honest here - even in an un-depressed state, the holidays are stressful and often disappointing. We run ourselves near to the ground buying gifts, cooking, decorating as well entertaining [not to mention you still have to be working on top of this]. Tempers flare as we're thrown together with relatives whom we see not all too often, and don't necessarily always enjoy spending time with. Expectations are high that this season will be magical and perfect as we try to recapture the wonderment we felt as children waiting for Santa, or wait for a rush of emotion as we ponder the religious significance of Christmas. When those feelings don't automatically well up, we are suddenly disappointed.
It is miserable to be depressed during the holidays. One reason is that deep down you know that you should really be enjoying all of the wonderful things that come along with the season. As down as I sound on the season, I really do enjoy a lot of Christmas-ey things - decorating the tree and the house, giving presents, watching Rudolph and the Grinch and event trying my hand at making Christmas themed foodstuffs. But when I'm depressed, the fact that I can not enjoy these things makes me twice as miserable, and I berate myself for not partaking fully in the joys of the season.
The second thing that makes it so hard with being depressed during the holidays is that doing the holidays right requires a lot of planning as well as organisation. If you're not feeling the best, you're so far from having those capabilities that it is somewhat pathetic. You can't even plan past the next hour, let alone an entirety of a holiday season. And organisation?! Come on!
Another horrendous aspect of being depressed during the holidays is spending time with people. Parties, dinners, get-togethers, etc. You're having so much trouble smiling that you are almost positive that you have an absolutely ghastly expression printed on your face. You feel like bursting into tears when someone asks you to join in singing a Christmas carol. Worst of all, in general you are overly sensitive - to noise, to anything sad, like the other reindeer teasing Rudolph, to quite meretricious decorations that [for some unknown reasons] make you really depressed. So the game begins, with you trying to act normal while all of this turmoil and pain is going on inside you, instead of being able to cry and scream or stare at the ceiling like you can do when you're alone.
What I find somewhat difficult is that everyone you know (and even strangers and advertisements) are telling you just how much you should be enjoying this time of the year. Even if they're at the end of their rope trying to get everything done, they will be telling you what a downer you are being. You know you should be happy and having fun - no one has to tell you this. However, they do anyway, and you just want to slug them then proceed to burst out crying.. Yes, they may 'mean well', but they are not making things any easier for you.
Another horrendous aspect of being depressed during the holidays is spending time with people. Parties, dinners, get-togethers, etc. You're having so much trouble smiling that you are almost positive that you have an absolutely ghastly expression printed on your face. You feel like bursting into tears when someone asks you to join in singing a Christmas carol. Worst of all, in general you are overly sensitive - to noise, to anything sad, like the other reindeer teasing Rudolph, to quite meretricious decorations that [for some unknown reasons] make you really depressed. So the game begins, with you trying to act normal while all of this turmoil and pain is going on inside you, instead of being able to cry and scream or stare at the ceiling like you can do when you're alone.
What I find somewhat difficult is that everyone you know (and even strangers and advertisements) are telling you just how much you should be enjoying this time of the year. Even if they're at the end of their rope trying to get everything done, they will be telling you what a downer you are being. You know you should be happy and having fun - no one has to tell you this. However, they do anyway, and you just want to slug them then proceed to burst out crying.. Yes, they may 'mean well', but they are not making things any easier for you.
Well that's my whinge/rant about the up and coming season.. Maybe next time I shall rant about something a bit more worthwhile.. Ahaha.
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