V3.2

I'm falling, fading away. What more can I say. I am getting that pitting feeling again, and I do not like how it changes me. I really don't. I get apathetic about everything from work, to housework and it even spreads over to gaming and other such areas. I hate what this feeling does to me, but sometimes I do not know how to deal with it. Ugh. Frustrating. Anyway, in short the past weeks or so have been a bit of a struggle so I am hoping they improve rapidly. In helping things to improve, I bought Star Wars Lego for the PS2 for $13 at the EB Games sale today. I'm quite chuffed, and am looking forward to the possibility of a weekend gaming.

I have been doing better in other areas as of late. I have opened my socialising up more and even initiated events. I've been hanging out with old friends more as of late which has been ace, and even mending bridges with others. Heck, I even went out for dinner andandand a ferris wheel ride.. Aha Daniel, you are a champion for letting me hold on a I went through scenarios of how we could meet our demise. I am hopeless at big heights.

I believe boys are complicated [and I don't deny that they probably think the same about us].. But really, I say what I mean and try not to leave a 'sub-level' meaning. Why can't others do the same? My toe twitching from the other week still hasn't stopped. Seeing the Doctors soon again though.

Also, just quickly... If you say you're going to do something in passing and then say 'Ok, I'll talk to you later about it!', this does NOT mean you have made plans. So instead of making me feel awful, get over it :]

V2.1

This month has been a busy one, hence lack of posts for 3 weeks. In the past 21 days we have moved house, had Christmas, done some thinking.

I have been contemplating this for what seems forever and it is the most important question I have at this point in time. What do you think will happen? I mean, what happens once we pas on? Modern science tells us that humans are just material that will decompose and our minds will fade out of existence like a spark of electricity and this life we live as far as we go. What I would like to believe is that when we pass away, we will return to our true essence, and merge 'the collective' if you will, unseen energy that makes up our universe.

I think that everybody wants to believe that there is an afterlife simply [or maybe not so simply] because the thought of non-existence scares them. People seem to either turn to religion to better comfort them and believe that they will get everything they ever wanted and be blissfully happy all the time/for the rest of eternity [sounds to me like someone did not get what they wanted out of life perhaps] or to Atheism to try and believe in the science of the "energy" called the soul in your body that leaves after death and apparently takes your consciousness with you.

Perhaps when you die your consciousness does not go with you, energy does not hold your thoughts and memories and decisions, however instead your brain does. Perhaps when you die, just like anything else in this universe, your energy gets recycled and reused by other sources that use your energy. This is a deliriously thought thought but maybe; possibly a fact that you still cannot deny, the human race has dulled down anything that scares them or found a way to counter that fear or suppress it, death is just something that humans cannot mass prevent cheaply, so many random theories come out about it trying to make us feel like we have "control" - Because there is nothing more us humans like than power and control over situations to make us feel important and special [Do note the bit of sarcasm there]...

Staring at this screen as the clock ticks by makes me wonder how much longer I will be around. Unfortunately I am not currently feeling the most lively, hence this blog lacking energy, enthusiasm or general care.

V1.12

The Christmas season is fast approaching, which for many it is a time of joy and celebration... As well as happiness. However for me, it brings on feelings of depression, angst, anxiety and high irritability.

Let us be honest here - even in an un-depressed state, the holidays are stressful and often disappointing. We run ourselves near to the ground buying gifts, cooking, decorating as well entertaining [not to mention you still have to be working on top of this]. Tempers flare as we're thrown together with relatives whom we see not all too often, and don't necessarily always enjoy spending time with. Expectations are high that this season will be magical and perfect as we try to recapture the wonderment we felt as children waiting for Santa, or wait for a rush of emotion as we ponder the religious significance of Christmas. When those feelings don't automatically well up, we are suddenly disappointed.

It is miserable to be depressed during the holidays. One reason is that deep down you know that you should really be enjoying all of the wonderful things that come along with the season. As down as I sound on the season, I really do enjoy a lot of Christmas-ey things - decorating the tree and the house, giving presents, watching Rudolph and the Grinch and event trying my hand at making Christmas themed foodstuffs. But when I'm depressed, the fact that I can not enjoy these things makes me twice as miserable, and I berate myself for not partaking fully in the joys of the season.

The second thing that makes it so hard with being depressed during the holidays is that doing the holidays right requires a lot of planning as well as organisation. If you're not feeling the best, you're so far from having those capabilities that it is somewhat pathetic. You can't even plan past the next hour, let alone an entirety of a holiday season. And organisation?! Come on!

Another horrendous aspect of being depressed during the holidays is spending time with people. Parties, dinners, get-togethers, etc. You're having so much trouble smiling that you are almost positive that you have an absolutely ghastly expression printed on your face. You feel like bursting into tears when someone asks you to join in singing a Christmas carol. Worst of all, in general you are overly sensitive - to noise, to anything sad, like the other reindeer teasing Rudolph, to quite meretricious decorations that [for some unknown reasons] make you really depressed. So the game begins, with you trying to act normal while all of this turmoil and pain is going on inside you, instead of being able to cry and scream or stare at the ceiling like you can do when you're alone.

What I find somewhat difficult is that everyone you know (and even strangers and advertisements) are telling you just how much you should be enjoying this time of the year. Even if they're at the end of their rope trying to get everything done, they will be telling you what a downer you are being. You know you should be happy and having fun - no one has to tell you this. However, they do anyway, and you just want to slug them then proceed to burst out crying.. Yes, they may 'mean well', but they are not making things any easier for you.

Well that's my whinge/rant about the up and coming season.. Maybe next time I shall rant about something a bit more worthwhile.. Ahaha.

V1.4

Exam 3 out of 4 completed today. Ethics and health Law. Seemed a bit too easy, one of those exams that you think.. Where are they trying to trick us, ya' know? But I'm feeling pretty darn good about it. Time will tell, I guess.

Today we got mail, not the fun kind of mail either. As the real estate are increasing our rent as well as demanding more bond [neither of which we are able to pay], we have to find somewhere to move to. Oh, did I mention the move-out date? 26th of December. Crappy timing, much. If we need to relocate and I need to get a new job, heck I will definitely do so. I can't afford not to, really. So now, the hunt is on. Bring on 2009 I say. Heck, bring on Tasmania I say!

I just finished watching a movie: The Bridge [2006] is a documentary that was made on the topic of suicides via the Golden Gate Bridge in 2004. Captured on this film, was 19 or so suicides out of the total 24 recorded between January 10th to December 29th, 2004. As well as the captured suicides, were interviews with the deceased families. The families did not know that they had footage of their loved ones jumping at the time of filming, and all were apparently receptive [positive] with the film. I feel that it manages to raise questions about suicide, mental illness as well as civic responsibility.

It's hard to believe that some people still think people commit suicide for fame, glory or attention. Can you name anyone who became famous for jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge? I mean, why do you think most people kill themselves? Some of you may say they are crazy, others say depression. Perhaps there are sometimes when the person isn't getting the answers they want; or the help they desire are and feel that this is the only way. Now granted, if they die they will never get the help that they are thirsting for; the answers that they are yearning for.

Roy: I can't believe there's a psychiatrist in the building. All because those two from accounts just had enough of everything and wanted to go to the seaside.
Moss: The seaside? They committed suicide, Roy.

Plagued by feelings of deep self-loathing, and a fear of abandonment, people can engage in reckless behavior as well as lose many friends. Suicide is clearly no joke. It is fatal [do ya get it?] not only to the one that does it but to the loved ones around them. When someone takes their own life you cannot ask why. Reason being, you could never put yourself in their shoes. You will never know where they are coming from and why. There are reasons for not being able to cope with this crazy world, and how much they hurt physically as well as mentally. When someone says, 'depression hurts, it's true. It physically makes you tired. You become closed off from others; isolated. You feel like you have no-one and putting it bluntly, it's shitty.

I am no longer ashamed to admit, I have depression. I have being suffering from depression as short as 6 years. It is a daily struggle for sufferers, and without the help we yearn for; the family and friends we hold dear, we might just become another statistic. Argh, it's been a shitty week. Apologies for the not so uplifting post? I am sure you will all live. [Irony, did ya' get it?]