V1.13

I kissed your dad and I liked it.
I hope that your mum don’t kill me.

In our house we have a tendency for making our own little parody songs. It is quite a beloved past-time of ours, as petty as it may seem. Then I got thinking about it, how popular parody songs can be. Take Adam and Andrew for instance, as catchy as their songs are they apparently receive copious amounts of hate mail.. In my opinion they are actually quite clever in some of the songs they do, however I do stress some. Mind you, I think it would be excellent if there were more science/technology/geek parody songs. Maybe I need to hunt around a bit more to find some..

House hunting has begun, and we put our first application in. I am really hoping we get it as it is basically perfect for what we want - 4 bedroom, $315 per week and less than a 5 minute walk to the train station. Most convenient I say! Dinner is here, so I shall leave it at that.

V1.12

The Christmas season is fast approaching, which for many it is a time of joy and celebration... As well as happiness. However for me, it brings on feelings of depression, angst, anxiety and high irritability.

Let us be honest here - even in an un-depressed state, the holidays are stressful and often disappointing. We run ourselves near to the ground buying gifts, cooking, decorating as well entertaining [not to mention you still have to be working on top of this]. Tempers flare as we're thrown together with relatives whom we see not all too often, and don't necessarily always enjoy spending time with. Expectations are high that this season will be magical and perfect as we try to recapture the wonderment we felt as children waiting for Santa, or wait for a rush of emotion as we ponder the religious significance of Christmas. When those feelings don't automatically well up, we are suddenly disappointed.

It is miserable to be depressed during the holidays. One reason is that deep down you know that you should really be enjoying all of the wonderful things that come along with the season. As down as I sound on the season, I really do enjoy a lot of Christmas-ey things - decorating the tree and the house, giving presents, watching Rudolph and the Grinch and event trying my hand at making Christmas themed foodstuffs. But when I'm depressed, the fact that I can not enjoy these things makes me twice as miserable, and I berate myself for not partaking fully in the joys of the season.

The second thing that makes it so hard with being depressed during the holidays is that doing the holidays right requires a lot of planning as well as organisation. If you're not feeling the best, you're so far from having those capabilities that it is somewhat pathetic. You can't even plan past the next hour, let alone an entirety of a holiday season. And organisation?! Come on!

Another horrendous aspect of being depressed during the holidays is spending time with people. Parties, dinners, get-togethers, etc. You're having so much trouble smiling that you are almost positive that you have an absolutely ghastly expression printed on your face. You feel like bursting into tears when someone asks you to join in singing a Christmas carol. Worst of all, in general you are overly sensitive - to noise, to anything sad, like the other reindeer teasing Rudolph, to quite meretricious decorations that [for some unknown reasons] make you really depressed. So the game begins, with you trying to act normal while all of this turmoil and pain is going on inside you, instead of being able to cry and scream or stare at the ceiling like you can do when you're alone.

What I find somewhat difficult is that everyone you know (and even strangers and advertisements) are telling you just how much you should be enjoying this time of the year. Even if they're at the end of their rope trying to get everything done, they will be telling you what a downer you are being. You know you should be happy and having fun - no one has to tell you this. However, they do anyway, and you just want to slug them then proceed to burst out crying.. Yes, they may 'mean well', but they are not making things any easier for you.

Well that's my whinge/rant about the up and coming season.. Maybe next time I shall rant about something a bit more worthwhile.. Ahaha.

V1.11

First off, V1.3 has been edited to portray my thoughts upon having a think on the blog topic, and please note that from here on in I shall not be editing as such.. Just that I felt this one in particular needed it, seeing as I have since changed my opinion on that one and am no longer feeling guilty.

It is finally Saturday! It is awesome to be back working [over] full time again, the increased cash flow shall be greatly appreciated.. Work is alright, it is currently exceptionally tiring but what can ya' do? I enjoy it, I really do.. I am just sick to flip of the politics of that place. I mean really, all the time they spend whinging about having to do something - they could have had it already done by the time they had finished whinging! Oh well, I am not here to judge - it is indeed not my role. On the upside, the ABI/Psych [dual diagnosis] unit inbetween my ABI and my Psych unit are looking at offering me a contract. I seem to be full of contracts as of late - do not get me wrong, you do not see me complaining! Time will tell I suppose.

Argh my system has been running quite slow as of late. I removed a whole lot of junk yet still it is indeed running slow. I need more space, and possibly a further clean up. Or perhaps I can wait for this to happen...

Trust me, I don't often post/look at this sort of stuff [Believe it or not].

Again, an effortless blog containing a mere miniature rant on my day and my current thought/s. Maybe next time will be a tad more interesting. We will see.

V1.10

It is Thursday, glorious Thursday. Also known as my day off for the week. I did not see the need to blog yesterday, as 1) I had nothing worth putting [not that I generally do anyway], and 2) I was so exceptionally tired after work that I slept most of yesterday afternoon. Tomorrow brings the beginning of the 6 days in a row, out of my 12 work day fortnight. YAY! Ah, I just continue to think of the money.. It shall be oh so grand.

Other news, I am attending a formal - Ahaha AWESOME! So for this to work [well], I am in need of finding a pretty dress and attempting to scrub up nicely for it. I may have even found a date for the event, heh. Ah well, all in good fun I suppose. It will be my first formal ever, so that is something coolness. That and the lead up will allow me to hang out with Jane more, which is an absolute bonus.. She is indeed an awesome lass! What gets me a tad nervous is, I have never attended a formal - heck, I even missed my own debutante ball.. So I have a few things to research, to remove the possibility of something like this happening..

Also, I want a new console but I am unsure as to which one I desire the most. A SNES, Wii or an XBox [then I can emulate and have all of the SNES goodness on that one, however the Wii has Mario Galaxy and Wii fit. Mind you I don't want to be getting a console just because of 2 games, do I now? Not very practical]. Ah well, maybe I should save my pennies and hold off for a bit? We'll see how it goes I guess.

Oh, and yay for meeeting new people who I can actually converse with whom don't think I am weird when I make geeky/nerdy references. Total pwnage, heck yeah! That is all for today.

V1.9

Work was tiring. New clients and new staff. Exhausting as well as frustrating when it is clear they have no interest or no idea about psychiatric nursing. On the upside, looks like I am back to doing 5/6 day work weeks. Awesome!

V1.8

Yay for Katey being 21 today. They grow up so fast, etc etc. She has indeed taken a shining to the likes of Guitar Hero and to be honest [and totally unbiased] she is pwning at it! However, a few hours have passed and surprisingly she has already cut down on her cigarette intake. A sign that the game is already getting to her? Will something like this be the next step on her way to full blown addiction?

Maybe, if Katey were a man.

So my mind was brought to an episode of South Park [Season 11, episode #166], well named Guitar Queer-O. Basically Stan and Kyle get so good at playing Guitar Hero that they get a contract, in parody form they split when Stan is pushed to play with another kid. He goes on a downward spiral of Heroin Hero [parody game - no duuh] where he is chasing a dragon he is never able to catch. I will not be so cruel as to spoil the ending, however it did raise the thought that maybe.. Just maybe, this could be us at some stage:

If we were cool enough.

Moving on. Work was good, and eventful. I am greatly amused when nurses at work give me Belgium [i.e. crap] for my age [currently I am basically the only one under 35 or so.. Yet when it comes to the Aboriginal flag, some of them can not even remember the colours involved [okay an exaggeration, they could not remember the order in which they went - but you get the drift]. Also, if I have stomach contents spurting through a tube in my direction again - it will only be too soon.

V1.7

Last night I received a phone call from a not so nice ex [for those who know me and my life, it's the cheater]. Anyway, I hadn't spoken to him in over a year and he calls out of the blue, no doubt calling for something in particular. Long story short, I am left to be feeling like I have done something utterly wrong even though logics and rationality are both telling me that I am in fact in the right. So to remove the temptation of having a go at him, I have since removed him from all accounts as well as deleted his number. Good move on my behalf, I think. Also, epic win to Helen [Lyns' Mum] for being home to allow me to vent and make me see that in fact I am in the right and I hadn't done anything wrong. =]

On the upside, I am going through a short phase of thoroughly enjoying cheerleading again. Bring It On seems to always put me in the mood for bad 90's pop and dance music, and the feeling/desire to want to wear lycra blend skirts has never been so great. With pom pom's and uniform to match, such as this, who can resist the temptation to dream about 'bringing it'? As with the movie I watched last night, the somewhat alternative guy gets the Hollyood girl, mind you I still end up with a smile on my face as they kiss at the end. Besides, who could ever forget the credit bit where the Clover's and the Toro's come together to do a rendition of 'Hey Mickey.' Can I get a, I said brr... It's cold in here, there must be some Toros in the at-mos-phere!

Who could forget the spirit fingers?

The sequel Bring It On Again follows a slightly [well, entirely] different story line than the first of the trio. Freshman gets into squad, leader is a bitch, freshman leaves squad and starts own with university outcasts. The costumes [to me] don't seem as awesome, but it seems there's still a whole lot of pep! The underdogs come to win, and the freshman even gets the guy. How bomb-diggity?! If you learn anything from this film, it's to don't be all up in my Kool-Aid.

Kool-Aid, ghetto style.

V1.6

Exam 4 out of 4 completed today, and I am feeling pretty good about it! That's uni done for the year, now I can focus on work and moving and such. Woot.

What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Romantic movies are [secretly] certainly one of my favourites when it comes to movie genres. I think I associate more relationships I’ve had with movies rather than songs. Like, you can associate it with words as well as pictures, rather than just the words [with music]. This seems to make the movie leave a mental image that’s stronger than a song, I guess [Don't get me wrong, I still associate some people etc with songs]. Movies set the stage. What ends up playing out is just about anyone’s guess, but personally I would rather take a night on the couch with a good movie than one spent by the radio when it comes to love.

Highlight for this evening would definitely be seeing Mike O'Malley serenade Heather Locklear on the footpath, even up the fire escape in an attempt to win her heart. Any guy that takes me to a concert [or even a gaming convention] for our first date would definitely be in the runnings of having my heart, but that's just me.

I sometimes wonder, how these [romance] movies become so popular? The story's are more than often illogical and very, very unrealistic. I mean, daughter pretends to be 'the dream guy' to mother on the internet, then tells mother. Yet the daughter is still alive?! This being said however, I must admit, there is a certain appeal to them. Having even the smallest ounce of hope in thinking that these scenarios could infact happen to us one day, somehow manages to connect us with the film. Clever. I am optimistic that one day I get the geeky guy [in this case Ben Feldman] in the film. Or am I just not Hilary Duff enough? I bet she doesn't get his comic jokes.

V1.5

It's Friday evening, I have the house to myself and I'm spending it cleaning and studying for tomorrow's bio exam.. Surprisingly, I am feeling pretty darn good about this exam. The topics are actually making sense this semester [shock!], but we shall just see how we go tomorrow I guess.

The prospect of a [further] new job has improved my mood. Just a place [basically] down the road that offered me a job a while back when I was going there through the agency. May as well get it while I can. I need all the money I can get for the up and coming move [as well as for next year].

I need to stop biting my nails. It's disgusting, and it hurts when I go too far. Yet I continue to bite them, go figure. Ah well, another thing to work on over the Summer. Oh, joy... Summer. Please note the sarcasm, I am not a Summer person. The heat bothers me. Unless I could live at the beach, even then I prefer the cold. Nothing really exciting to blog today to be honest.. Can't always have a life full of excitement.

V1.4

Exam 3 out of 4 completed today. Ethics and health Law. Seemed a bit too easy, one of those exams that you think.. Where are they trying to trick us, ya' know? But I'm feeling pretty darn good about it. Time will tell, I guess.

Today we got mail, not the fun kind of mail either. As the real estate are increasing our rent as well as demanding more bond [neither of which we are able to pay], we have to find somewhere to move to. Oh, did I mention the move-out date? 26th of December. Crappy timing, much. If we need to relocate and I need to get a new job, heck I will definitely do so. I can't afford not to, really. So now, the hunt is on. Bring on 2009 I say. Heck, bring on Tasmania I say!

I just finished watching a movie: The Bridge [2006] is a documentary that was made on the topic of suicides via the Golden Gate Bridge in 2004. Captured on this film, was 19 or so suicides out of the total 24 recorded between January 10th to December 29th, 2004. As well as the captured suicides, were interviews with the deceased families. The families did not know that they had footage of their loved ones jumping at the time of filming, and all were apparently receptive [positive] with the film. I feel that it manages to raise questions about suicide, mental illness as well as civic responsibility.

It's hard to believe that some people still think people commit suicide for fame, glory or attention. Can you name anyone who became famous for jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge? I mean, why do you think most people kill themselves? Some of you may say they are crazy, others say depression. Perhaps there are sometimes when the person isn't getting the answers they want; or the help they desire are and feel that this is the only way. Now granted, if they die they will never get the help that they are thirsting for; the answers that they are yearning for.

Roy: I can't believe there's a psychiatrist in the building. All because those two from accounts just had enough of everything and wanted to go to the seaside.
Moss: The seaside? They committed suicide, Roy.

Plagued by feelings of deep self-loathing, and a fear of abandonment, people can engage in reckless behavior as well as lose many friends. Suicide is clearly no joke. It is fatal [do ya get it?] not only to the one that does it but to the loved ones around them. When someone takes their own life you cannot ask why. Reason being, you could never put yourself in their shoes. You will never know where they are coming from and why. There are reasons for not being able to cope with this crazy world, and how much they hurt physically as well as mentally. When someone says, 'depression hurts, it's true. It physically makes you tired. You become closed off from others; isolated. You feel like you have no-one and putting it bluntly, it's shitty.

I am no longer ashamed to admit, I have depression. I have being suffering from depression as short as 6 years. It is a daily struggle for sufferers, and without the help we yearn for; the family and friends we hold dear, we might just become another statistic. Argh, it's been a shitty week. Apologies for the not so uplifting post? I am sure you will all live. [Irony, did ya' get it?]

V1.3

Note to self: close windows of a night time. I woke up this morning to spitting rain falling on me as I left the window open. Could have been worse.

Originally I had this blog as a big WAAA about me making a mistake in regards to a friendship and a slip of judgement. Anyway, since spending a little while thinking about it I have come to the conclusion that infact I have nothing to be sorry about. I never posted your name on the particular blog and never gave away nor told anyone that it was indeed about you. I do not believe I should be sorry, if you believe I should be then how about I wait for my apology for you telling that lady at uni one of my secrets? Yeah, respect [or what is perceived to be] can go both ways. Think about it.

Do not get me wrong, I have kept the promises I have made, and I will continue to. I have no intentions on going back on them.

V1.2

Exam 2 out of 4 completed today. Not feeling the best about how I will go, but to be honest I am currently quite apathetic about it. This time next week uni will be over for the year. Happiness shall wash over me, etc etc.

To be honest, I don't have that much to say today. Feeling a bit down and quite apathetic, and I'm not entirely sure why. I am finding it hard to express myself, and increasingly difficult to call out to those close that I need strength. Seeing as there currently is not much else to say, I will leave you with this..

Silent is the heart that cries,
In the depths of the soul despondency lies.
Clinging onto dreams, how could it be wrong?
When in reality letting go makes you strong.
Head bowed, the ultimate despair,
Grown weary of a world that never seems to care.
Love you sought, the greatest gift, to set your spirit free,
But now the roads too distant, your eyes too blind to see,
And to be alone forever, is that your destiny?

V1.1

So today was exam number 1 out of 4. I think it went pretty well. I hope it went pretty well. To be brutally honest, I will be happy when this week is over and I do not have to think of uni until next year.

Isn't it funny, how you can barely know someone and yet still they for some twisted reason despise you? I found it bizarre. Background: in a previous class there was a lass who was friends with a friend, and basically because she assumed she knew what my views were and what I believed and therefore she despised me. Promptly following she disappeared, to be seen again today.. She made it clear she still did not like me, yet could not give any answer that would suffice logically as to why she despised me so. Oh well, no skin off my nose.

I realised today that views on averages can be quite varied from one person to another. Last night I was talking to a friend and we got onto the topic of, 'what constitutes slutty'. We agreed that once someone is unable to recall, or hesitates in recalling the number of people that person has slept with then it is fairly safe to assume that that number is more than the fingers on my hands [currently I have 8 fingers and 2 thumbs]. Anyway...

With all of the advertisement going around at the moment, much of it is pointed towards Sexual health. And with good reason. Commonly reported prevalences of STI's among sexually active adolescent girls both with and without lower genital tract symptoms include Chlamydia (10 to 25%), Gonorrhoeae (3 to 18%), Syphilis (0 to 3%), Trichomonas vaginalis (8 to 16%), and herpes simplex virus (2 to 12%). This tells us that while it may be tabu to discuss or even admit to having/having had an STI, they are more common than we think. According to a Doctor in Brisbane, 70% of his clients who come in are there for the treatment of STI's and the like.

Sharing a bit much, perhaps?

In 1996, the World Health Organisation estimated that more than 1 million people were being infected daily. About 60% of these infections occur in young people less than 25 years of age, and of these 30% are less than 20 years. Generation after generation people are becoming sexually active younger and younger, and without the proper use of precautions alongside are STI's and STD's.

Cauliflower.

Not cauliflower.

What constitutes a large amount these days? In a generation where sex can be as easy and as general as a can from a vending machine [or cauliflower from the green grocers]. The amount of people abstaining from sex before marriage is diminishing, and I am somewhat curious as to how they maintain it considering the world we live in today. What concerns me is how easily these are preventable as well as easily treatable. As Canada tells us, it's as easy as 1-2-Pee.

Take a leaf from Canada's book. Pee in a cup, treat the Clap.

After writing all of this, one must take into consideration the ease of how this could all be prevented - Safe sex. But I guess save that for another day..

V1.0

Well well, not sure how long I'll keep this one for.
I started this as currently my housemates are in the throes of love-making and such, so I figured I better keep myself occupied.
Content will range from whinging about my day, to my gaming reviews, to ranting about events [personal and public] and whatever pops into my head I guess. I tend to go in and out of phases of wanting to blog. See how we go.

Now, a bit about myself for those who care to read...
I am a geeky metal head [also into many other genres] who is currently living in Brisbane, having migrated from Geelong, Melbourne on a whim back in late 2005.
I live with 2 of my best friends, Katey and Lyndsay. Contrary to popular belief, I do not live under Katey's stairs. I live in the 2nd bedroom [in a cage].
I have a secret obsession of the Gilmore Girls. Not so secret now.
I share an obsession alongside Katey, with Pokemon. If I had the guts [or perhaps the stupidity], I would get a Ponyta tattoo.
I currently have 12 piercings; 4 tattoos. Although I have a high pain threshold, piercings make me cringe. Yet I deal with suicide attempts and other joyous things at work and I am fine. Go figure.
In my spare time I do site maintenance for 2 sites currently, both for friends, both for fun. I enjoy and adore gaming. The graphics, the thought processes, the headshots, the joy. So much so that I currently write and work on http://www.donkeygamer.com.

I am nearly 5'2" [153cms] , and darn proud of it! Although I am short, I am quite the over weight lass.. It doesn't phase me much.
I have congenital schleral cornea in my left eye, which basically means that I am completely blind in it. Naturally the left eye is completely white, I wear a contact over it for normality.
I have a fluid problem in my knees, they get sore at times.
I had a full left elbow reconstruction in early 2001 from a horse riding accident, I am therefore a robot.

I've been in the field of nursing for around 3 years. I stick to psychiatric nursing as well as acquired brain injury. I don't appreciate nor deal well with ignorance to those fields, especially psychiatry as I hold it close to my heart. The same goes for people who talk about subjects, pretending to know what they're talking about when they clearly have no idea. Does that make sense?
I work casually [lol] at an adult store. I am exceptionally intrigued by pornography; all forms. I'm not sure why, but it fascinates me.

Some say I'm conceited, arrogant, self righteous and possibly masochistic.. Judge me if you must but please don't expect a decent response to your possibly profound ignorance.
I am what I am.